sometimes when im mad or sad i come to my room and lay down in my bed i close my eyes and instantly my mind flashes to images of me taking myself out of this misery i call my life. theres cutting, bleeding, crying. a quick resort out the easy way out of everything. all my problems, fears all would be solved in seconds. no more fighting with friends or my parents no more trying so hard for nothing in return no more anything. there would be no having to face the cold world where everythings a fight or a struggle its the losers way out of everything. simply not trying just killing yourself. these scary images which flood my head as my eyes close become all too real each time i get angry, upset and want to cry. home is no warmer at times than the outside world im referred to as “my annoying bratty little sister” the “little witch (occasionally replaced with bitch” the brat that wants it all her way or im told i abuse my dog bc i love it too much. no wheres safe everywheres another nightmare but im not a loser or a quitter and i never take the easy way out so heres to another 75-85 years of fighting.

Todays been a day of stress, uneasiness, thinking and tears. I’m an emotional wreck about everything this week. Crying has been the only thing I’ve have done consistently for the past week. Each time i cry its at a different time for a different reason but the real reason is most likely because of you. Love, life, happiness, depression, tv shows, reality. Reasons i cry. Loving you. Living without you. Not being fully happy without you. Depressed because of all these reasons.Tv shows because they show me my dreams. Reality because reality is im not with u

J.e.R.d.N.A

This weekend i saw him. Its the first time in weeks, maybe even months, well since before valentines day I’ve seen him. I’ve missed him so much. Seeing him made me SO happy and i know he wasn’t as happy to see me as I was him but seeing him made my night. We spoke briefly being that he’s so popular and had to speak to everyone. Hes my social butterfly, he always will be. I feel like were growing apart. We went from speaking everyday to speaking, if I’m lucky, once a week. I love him not saying I’m in love with him but i love him as a best friend, the best one I’ve ever had. He’s not caddy, and not a dramatic bitch. He has my back always, he drops what he’s doing for me and defends me. There are rumors he’s moving, he denies them but when I saw him, questioned him and looked at his face, I saw the twinkle in his eye i knew i’d soon be saying goodbye. This devasted me. I was a wreck. My safe harbor was leaving me and most likely the last time I’d see him for a while or maybe even ever would be quickly approaching. My new worst nightmare J U N E S E V E N T E N T H less than a month away. A month. Under 31 days. Chances are i may not see him or if i do it’ll be once or twice and i wont get to spend more than 10 minutes with him because he is who he is, and he wants what he wants, and that, that’s not me.  It tears me apart i won’t get to spend my big sweet sixteen with him this brings tears to my eyes because my special day wont be spent with all my favorite special people it wont be the same without him there. It’ll be different, a bad different, a different that will haunt me the entire night no matter how much fun i’m having. a different that will bring tears to my eyes and butterflies to my stomach. please dont go i want need you. i wish i could tell you how i feel or how much you mean are to me. that youre a *huge* part of my world without you nothing would be the same. You bring me hope, you cheer me up, you care for me, you never leave me. i need you please dont go im begging you dont go image

Every second without you kills me. Today we spoke on the phone for the first time in a week. It was a brief phone call only lasted for two minutes but in those two minutes my boring, tiring day turned into a happy day because i spoke to you.